Until I see you again...

June 20, 1936--April 24, 2015

Jacqueline Faye Brigman

Saturday March 21st: I went up to Redding to help my mom clean out/organize my brothers old room. That evening I took dinner over to my grandma since she had said she didn't feel up to coming over to my parents house for dinner. She opened her door and I could instantly tell she didn't feel well. She was using a cane and you could just see the pain on her face. I didn't stay long, but gave her a hug as I left and told her I would see her in 2 weeks for Easter.

*During the following week my mom had taken my grandma to get a PET scan to see what was going on with the pain she was having in her groin/leg area as well as a couple of lumps she had found. 

Friday March 27: My grandma went to the dr to receive the results from her PET scan. With my mom by her side, the dr told my grandma she had lung cancer. It had spread to her liver as well as her lymphatic system. The Dr wanted to schedule a biopsy of her liver to see more details about the type of cancer as well as the stage. After the appointment my mom called me and told me. In the back of my mind I knew it was cancer, but I just didn't want to admit it. I wasn't ready to have my grandma go through any type of illness let alone cancer! I asked my mom if I could FaceTime with her while she was still at her house. Grandma was her usual self "well Lindz, I guess your mom told you I have cancer!" 

Friday April 3-6: James, Wesley, Landon and I drove up to Redding for Easter. I was able to go over to grandmas every day while we were there. She was in pain, but with the help of pain medicine she said "its manageable, its like a dull pain, you know its there!" We talked about all sorts of things over the weekend. **Mom had asked my grandma's dr if she had to ballpark how much longer my grandma had what would she say...her dr not being an expertise in the cancer field said probably 2-3 months. So when we left I had told my grandma I would probably come back up and see her for Mothers Day weekend.

*The following week Grandma had her liver biopsy along with finding more lumps. She was scheduled to see the Oncologist on April 17 to go over the results

Thursday April 16: My dad came to my house and drove myself and Landon up to Redding. On the way up we stopped at Carls Jr. and got Western Bacon Burgers-these were grandma's favorite! :) That night we went over to Grandmas house. To see how quickly my grandma had changed broke my heart. I talk to my mom every day and because she was the one taking care of my grandma, I knew this, but knowing and seeing are two very different things. She was so happy to see Landon though. He smiled and giggled at her which made my heart so happy. She had received a shipment of her perfume she wears (Amazing Grace by Philosophy), and told me to take the set with me-I said Grandma are you sure? She goes "Lindz, don't argue with me, take the whole set-lotion, perfume, and body scrub! :) Even on her death bed she was still giving me things-I could probably fill up several storage tubs with all the things she has given me over my lifetime!

Friday April 17: Her appt was at 10am. My dad, his two brothers, and my mom sat next to my grandma as the oncologist told her the cancer was very aggressive, it had spread practically every where, she had numerous tumors-the pain in her groin was a 6" tumor- and that she had 1-2 weeks to live. He said she could come in for radiation treatment to lessen the pain, but she would have to come every day...she declined. Hospice was called and they came out to the house that same day. I sat outside in my car during her appt. My dad came outside first to pull the car around to the front. His eyes were teary and all he could say was 1-2 weeks. It took everything in me not to burst into tears, I didn't want my grandma to see me like that. My uncle wheeled her out of the office, as I bent down to give her a hug she whispered "my little brown baby (a nickname she had always called me because I get so tan), I love you"  We were all going back to her house, so I got into my car and the tears just flowed! I felt like I had been hit by a bus...1-2 weeks?! I could not even fathom not having my grandma around. 

Saturday April 18: spent the majority of the day over at my grandma's. At this point she was spending all her time in her bed practically. I would just sit on the side of her bed, hold her hand and we would just talk about life. She told me stories from her young adulthood, as well as stories about my dad as a little guy. 

Sunday April 19: Dad and I had to go home this day.  I went over to grandma's house and again just visited with her. I knew, as well as everyone else, that this would probably be one of the last, if not the last coherent conversation we would have. I sat on her bed, held her hand and told her how thankful/blessed I was to be her granddaughter, thankful for our friendship and for her being one of my biggest cheerleaders in life, thankful Wesley got to experience her love and even thankful Landon got to meet his GG, and that even though she would be gone someday-her legacy would live on as I will tell my sons how amazing she was. It was a conversation I will never forget and I am eternally grateful I was able to have it. That weekend was such an emotionally draining weekend.

*Because she was no longer responsible for taking her pain medication, someone had to be with her 24/7. My mother was, as my grandma called her, "her angel" She spent the night Sunday night, and Monday night, then my uncle came and stayed with her tues, wed, thurs. My other uncle arrived late thursday night. I had planned on going up Friday morning, however, thursday night I talked to my dad on the phone. He told me he didn't want my last memory of Grandma to be how she was at that point. She was in pain, and just not herself. I agreed and am very thankful to my dad for protecting me in that way. 

Friday April 24: My mom and I txt'd practically 24/7. Even though I wasn't there I wanted to still feel like I was. My mom kept sending me updates. She had told me she thought today was going to be the day. James had to work a 12 hr day so I decided since he was working, I would put the boys in the car and go get myself a Western since Grandma was on my mind. As I pulled into the drive thru I received the call from my mom "grandma has passed." My heart shattered!! I pulled into a parking spot, handed wesley my phone to play a game and silently cried and cried! Finally pulled myself together and drove to my inlaws-I didn't really want to be at home by myself. James got off work about 1.5 hr later so I went home and the second I saw James I lost it again! Didn't really sleep well that night and definitely did not pack like I had planned.

Saturday April 25: James, myself, Wesley and Landon all packed up and drove up to Redding. Sunday I went over to my grandma's house for the first time since my grandma had passed. Walking into her house and being able to smell her perfume, yet knowing she was gone, hit me like a truck! 

We stayed in Redding until Thursday. Grandma didn't want a funeral service, she wanted to be cremated and didn't want us sitting around crying over her.

So once my uncles and dad figure out the best date, we will all get together to sprinkle her ashes, have a bbq, and tell stories about our beloved grandma, mother, sister, aunt, and friend-just what she wanted us to do!

Love you grandma, and miss you every day!

-Your little brown baby 

The "M" word you never want to hear!

I have debated with myself for almost a week now whether to write this blog or not. When something so personal happens to you its a toss up-to share or not to share? After countless hours on google trying to find some sort of personal story I could relate to and coming up short every time...I finally decided I needed to share my story for others like myself.

(disclaimer-in order to provide accurate information for those of you who come across my blog in your searching, I am not sparing any details due to "too much information-tmi" When something so serious as this subject happens, you want to know all the details.)

November 16th I got a little + sign on probably the 8th pee stick I had purchased. My husband and I had decided to start trying for baby #2 so we were ecstatic to see that sign! We told our really close friends and family and told them to keep quiet until we went to the dr.

November 22nd I was packing our family up to head to my parents for the Thanksgiving week when I suddenly felt like I had pee'd my pants! I rushed to the bathroom and found brown discharge in my underwear and also when I wiped. I did not have ANY of this with my first child so naturally I freaked out! I called my dr office and unfortunately she was already out on vacation :-/ great I thought!! So the nurse scheduled an appt for me with the dr filling in for her. Now at this point based on my last period date I should have been 6wks4dys pregnant. I anxiously drove myself to my dr appt expecting to see that things were fine and this was just something that some pregnant women get (I had a couple of friends tell me they had this happen and everything was fine!) The dr did a sonogram and it only showed a super thick line-where the sac would develop. She said that I was probably much earlier than I thought, so not to worry, the brown discharge just might be implantation bleeding. She ordered labs to check my hcg level to see how far along I actually was. The only problem was that in order to check if the level was rising or "doubling" was to repeat the blood draw in 48hrs. Remember what I was doing earlier that day? Packing to head out of town!!!!! So yes, I had to wait over a WEEK to get blood drawn again to check on the pregnancy! Longest week of my life!

Dec 1st we drove home and I went straight to the lab to draw blood again to check the levels. I got the results and it showed that I was only 3wks pregnant as oppose to the 6wks I thought I was. At this point I just knew something was not right, but I tried to convince myself everything was fine.

From Dec1-Dec11 I had my levels tested 8x and with each time the level increased, but did not double. The levels should have been in the 2-3000 and my level was highest at 500. On the 9th test my level dropped into the 400's. At this point I knew my pregnancy was not going to make it.

Dec 12 my dr called me and told me what I already knew...I was going to miscarry. But still hearing those words "with your level not very high and not dropping, I'm so sorry to have to tell you you will miscarry" was the worst moment of my life thus far. Trying to keep myself together on the phone talking to my dr was extremely difficult. She told me I could wait for it to happen on its own, or I could take some medication to speed up the process. I decided on the medication because emotionally I could not just wait for it. I got off the phone and cried the hardest I have ever cried. I am naturally a crier-doesn't take much-but this was on a whole different level. My husband works from home and just happen to come out of his office as I was getting out of bed and saw my face. He instantly asked me what was wrong and all I could do is sob into his chest and say "miscarriage" in between sobs.
My dr called a couple of hours later and informed me I needed to go in and have a high tech ultrasound done to rule out anything suspicious. I arranged childcare for my son and to the dr we went. The ultrasound was yet again one of the hardest things I've done. Last time I had this done was to determine the sex of my first child. So as the Ultrasound Tech is searching for my pregnancy other women are laughing and squealing in the other rooms as they are finding out the sex of their child...all I could do is sob into my tissue! The tech kept apologizing over and over again and I felt bad for her, but could not manage to say anything! She finally finished and informed me that the pregnancy was "ectopic-outside of the uterus" and I was to call my dr right away.
I immediately remembered all the googling I had done (don't recommend this as it probably just freaked me out even more), but I remember ectopic being extremely dangerous! I called my dr and she said that it was in fact ectopic and the pregnancy was in my fallopian tube. She said that because the pregnancy was very small and already dying (heartbreaking to hear even still) that I would not need surgery (thank GOD) but that I needed to get an injection to "dissolve the pregnancy into a heavy period" WOW So my husband and I made our way to her office.
She came in and said how sorry she was and cue the waterworks. She explained the three options I had. Wait it out, get the injection, or d&c. I already knew that I couldn't just wait, and she said that the d&c would not be necessary, so injections it was! Physically they did not hurt, but emotionally it was extremely difficult. This injection called "methotrexate" is also administered to those wanting an abortion. The drug is also used in chemotherapy as its purpose is to attack rapidly growing cells and kill it off. Granted the dosage I was given is tiny compared to what chemo patients receive. During the injection process I think I was somewhat delirious. I was even joking with my husband saying "oh jeez, what if my hair falls out...OMG what if my eye brows fall off hahaha" The nurse kept saying how cute I was and how bad she felt-I'm pretty sure this just numbed me more.
I was given a ton of paperwork regarding this injection and the "what-to-do's" and sent on my way.

Dec 13th I expected to be bleeding all over the place and in a ton of pain. I wasn't until about 7pm. I usually get bad cramps with my periods so I expected normal period cramps. That is how they started out, so I popped some tylenol and heated up my heating pad...still no bleeding yet.

Dec 14th I had never experienced such excruciating cramps in all my life. They almost felt like labor contractions-but constant-no relief! Oh and did I mention that my husband had hurt his back/neck the prior week, and this day he had a terrible headache from it and was also in a lot of pain. Oh and did I also mention that my son decided to throw up and have diarrhea as well!? Yep Dec 14th was a fabulous day!! The cramping finally let up towards 7pm but the blood was still pretty heavy-but only when I sat on the toilet. Which was quite a lot since it felt better to sit there. I never really had a lot on the pads I had to wear-which is good.

Dec 15th I had to have blood drawn again to make sure my levels are going down. I am awaiting my dr.'s phone call to hear. And then every Wednesday I will have to repeat the blood test until my levels have returned to zero. When I get my level tested this Wednesday(18th), based on what the result from the draw is, I may or may not have to have a second injection. Praying I don't!!

The silver lining in all of this is that because I had my levels tested way back in November, my dr was able to see that this pregnancy was not progressing like it normally should. No damage was done to my fallopian tube. So word of advice to all my pregnant or future pregnant readers...please let your dr know if you have brown discharge or anything "out of the norm" such as bleeding, cramping, or pain of any kind. Thankfully I never had pain with this ectopic pregnancy.

I also just want to thank my close friends and family who knew about all of this. Your prayers and support have been so unbelievably wonderful during this time. I know that it will take time to heal, both physically and emotionally, so for now we are taking it one day at a time. We will never know why God decided to allow this to happen to us and that is ok. But what we do know is that God's timing is the best and His ways are not our ways.

God is good all the time and all the time God is good!

Everyone starts somewhere...

My last blog post was prior to completing T25. It is officially over and here are my stats from it:

1 inch lost from my waist

.5 inch lost from my hips

.5 inch GAIN on my thighs-muscle muscle muscle

July to Sept

I was very pleased with my results from T25. I continued to lift during the program as well-which was extremely difficult on double days because I was basically doing triple days! I definitely recommend this program because who doesn't have 25 minutes to exercise?!?!

I decided to take a walk through memory fitness lane to see how far I've come. While I am extremely embarrassed to post my before picture, I have to remind myself that EVERYONE starts somewhere. Whether you are 300lbs or 160lbs, everyone who decides to make a lifestyle change has a starting point. Make a goal for yourself and stick to it! I started in January so here are my past and present stats:

                       Jan          Sept

Bust                38in        34in

Waist              30in        27in

Hips               38 in       36 in

Total Loss: 9inches!!!!

Past, Present, and Future

January 8th I made one of the best decisions I've ever made. I decided to make a lifestyle change regarding my health. I know I've already gone into what my change entailed in my previous blog Fit vs. Skinny but I wanted to update my blog not only for the few readers I have but also to document my fitness journey for myself.

This picture was taken the day I started the Beachbody program Insanity. All 5'4 160lbs of me. I am not going to sugar coat anything, this program was ridiculously hard. It was not easy to push play for 60 days straight, but I did it! I did this without anyone keeping me accountable! I say this because if I can do it, so can you!!! I ended the program 15lbs lighter and here is my progress pic:





The weeks leading up to finishing Insanity I started thinking "ok after I finish this, whats next?" I don't have a gym membership but the community I live in has a clubhouse gym. Thanks to the wonderful "fitfam" (fitness friends) I have on Instagram I decided to add weight training to the cardio I had planned on doing. Here is my back picture the day I finished Insanity:

I am so GRATEFUL to the fitness friends I have made via Instagram They have encouraged me in so many ways, but most importantly in regards to weight training. I was able to do 32 consecutive pushups the other day whereas during Insanity I could barely do 8 without feeling like I wasn't going to be able to push myself back up! Also, a couple of weeks ago I went to a fitness class where we previewed Shaun T's (insanity instructor) new workout program T25. As I was doing the jumps I wasn't dying 10 seconds in whereas during Insanity I would have been!

Many of my friends who are beginning their journey in weight lifting have asked me what my routine is so here goes: I start with 30 min on the treadmill. The treadmill is quite new for me as I was doing the elliptical. I've noticed I get a better workout on the mill vs. the elliptical so thats that! MWF I do arms, shoulders and back (M arms, W shoulders, and F back), then TT legs and gluteus (makes me laugh-I do both on TT because they are so closely related). Then I do abs everyday but do different areas each day. This is what works for me-may not be for you-and thats fine! After 4 months I finally feel good about my routine and here is my back progress after 4 months of weight training:

Tomorrow I start a my second Beachbody program T25. I am beyond excited to start this!! I will continue to do my weight training along side this as well as starting Shakeology! If you're interested in any of the programs Beachbody has to offer, contact my Coach and bestie Sonia here and she'll hook ya up! :)

I know a lot of you are hesitant to add weight lifting to your routine. I was most definitely, not because I thought I would look like this:
 but because I really didn't know where to start or what to do! I recommend doing your research! Also Pinterest is FULL of different ideas! Just remember...we all have/had to start somewhere-the most important thing is STARTING!

I'll be posting again after I finish T25... eeekk

xoxo

Fit vs. Skinny

I cannot tell you how badly this topic bugs me-especially since I used to believe it. It seriously gets under my skin so much I don't even know where to begin!

Before I began this journey of becoming fit, I used to tell myself all the time-gosh I wish I were skinny like I used to be! ALL THE TIME I would tell myself that. So back in January I made a decision to get my butt moving so I could be "skinny" again. Within the first month I came across different fitness profiles on Instagram and Facebook who never once mentioned the word "skinny" and I found that odd. The more and more I read their posts and blogs the more my mindset changed. They were exercising to be FIT not to be SKINNY. 

I think in todays society especially the word skinny is thrown out there as the norm and if you don't fit that then you are "fat"! Such lies and I am ashamed I used to believe those lies! I can remember when I was in high school I used to HATE and I mean HATE my "athletic built" legs...meaning I didn't have slender straight legs like all my friends had. I have since grown to love my legs-and I don't think that is being vain at all! I have worked hard to tone them and still have some progress to make! Back when I was "skinny" I weighed 125lbs. I now weigh 140 and look 10x better than when I weighed 125! No one would guess I weigh 140 and I am in no way ashamed of that number! You know why? Muscle weighs more than fat!!!!! I have built up more muscle and have less body fat than when I was 125lbs! 

Anyways back to my point...and that being: please stop believing the lies that you have to be skinny to be beautiful! I'm sorry but when you purposely allow your body to be so skinny you can count your bones that is not beautiful to me-maybe to some-but definitely not to me. There is a huge difference between being fit and healthy vs. skinny and unhealthy! Stop working out to be skinny and start lifting to be fit! Surround yourself with positive role models who have the same goal in mind. 

"I'd rather be fit and healthy than skinny and hungry!" 

This is your 5:30am wake up call...

I heard a commercial on the radio this evening on my way home from Target that went something like this..."what are you doing at 6am, I'm sleeping!" haha I had to laugh and yell "I'm at the freakin gym yo!"

Its true! Insanity should come with a disclaimer-upon finishing you will truly be insane! haha as I feel like only an insane person would look forward to working out that early! Yes there are days, like yesterday, where I hit the snooze like 3x! But all in all I do actually look forward to getting my butt up and getting in the gym

Arm day progress

I do arms/back on MWF and then legs/glutes on TT. I always warm up with 20 min of intense cardio on the elliptical. I read from one of my fitness people that I follow that if you can do more than 20 min of cardio on a machine you are not pushing yourself hard enough! Makes sense right? So I do an interval circuit that gradually gets harder and then eases off! Let me tell you I am a sweaty mess by the end!! haha but I feel great! Its a great way to kick start my weight lifting.

A little leg day action!

I cannot tell you how much my muscles have changed since I started weight lifting. Weight lifting isn't just for men anymore! My husband always jokes with me that I'm going to become this big ol' muscle woman! haha but that is simply not going to happen! I'm not taking steroids so its almost impossible for this to happen! The only thing I am taking prior to work outs is a drink called C4!  I HIGHLY recommend it for those of you who are looking to push yourself harder! It is a pre-workout intensifier and it does just that! Definitely intensifies the workout and allows me to push deeper in my workouts. Also I work out with a heart rate monitor which allows me to see my heart rate and push myself harder to be in that target range! Its called the polar ft4 and it is a MUST for me. I have left the house without it before and turned around to go get it! Also the last thing I think is a must have is a sweat band! I purchased mine at walmart for $4.97! :) I wear it around my stomach and it helps me sweat like CRAZY! haha

All of this to say...if you are on the fence about getting in shape...DO IT! Whether its an at home program such as Insanity or P90x or Jillian Michaels or WHATEVER the case may be just push play!! Or if you are more interested in getting out of the house and going to the gym set a goal for yourself. Everyone is different and has different goals in mind. But the common denominator between everyone is this: we all had to start with something! It may be little or big...but just START! :)



PS: One of my best friends has recently become a Beachbody coach! Beachbody is a great company-same company Insanity and P90x came from! If you need help getting started or motivation or getting their yummy shakes please contact her here: Beachbody Sonia Caramazza

"Insanely" busy

Where or where has the time gone? This is a question I ask myself almost on a daily basis! It seems like there is never enough time in the day to accomplish all the things I need/want to!

My last post was about volleyball, so that is where I will pick up!

I am now co-coaching a club volleyball team. It started up in January and goes til May. We practice every Monday evening and Saturday mornings-if we don't have a tournament. Our tournaments are usually on Saturdays, however, some are on Sundays. They are ALL day events which makes for a very tiring day-but its definitely worth it and a lot of fun! The relationships I'm building with the girls is so special to me-I love them all and the different personalities they bring to the team.

Another thing that started in January was Insanity! haha no I did not go insane-although sometimes I felt like it! Insanity is a compilation of workout DVD's! It is a 60 day program that is super intense-hence the name Insanity! haha and let me tell you what...it was INSANE! The first 2 weeks were pure hell...I seriously thought I couldn't do one more day! BUT...I pushed through it! There are 2 phases to the program. The first month is all about getting your endurance up!! Then you have a week of core balance which is such a welcome break from the crazy intense workout! However, its kind of a tease! haha I say this because its light work compared to the first month. So once the 2nd month starts its a RUDE awakening! The 2nd month is MAX everything! Max cardio, Max plyo, Max interval circuit...you get the point! All of this to say I am HAPPY and PROUD to say I completed the 60 day challenge!!!!!

While doing this program I started posting my daily workouts on Instagram for accountability purpose. In doing this I found several other people who were doing the same workout! There is a whole community of "Insane" people on Instagram so it definitely helped keep me accountable. Another thing that helped was following different fitness people on Facebook and Instagram. A couple in particular combined weight lifting along with their cardio. Insanity is strictly cardio and "self" weight. So for the last 2 weeks of Insanity I added in weight lifting. I did/do Arms/Back on MWF and then Legs/booty on TT! I could tell a difference in my Insanity workouts once I added weight lifting. My pushups got stronger and my squats weren't super unbearable. Also in addition to lifting weights I most DEFINITELY cleaned up my eating habits! Lean meat such as chicken and salmon, and then a fresh veggie along with a sweet potato! I also incorporated protein shakes into my daily food intake!

Needless to say...I have drastically changed my way of living. I have been so amazed not only by my body transformation, but also by the way I feel! Working out and eating clean is no longer a chore to me, but rather a lifestyle! I don't sleep well if I don't work out-(Sundays are rest days with Insanity, but after about the 3rd Sunday I couldn't rest, I had to do something active!) I also feel like my immune system is much stronger because of my lifestyle change. Studies have shown that those who have an active lifestyle have stronger immune systems than those who don't...I'll definitely take that, who wouldn't? :) Not only do I feel great, but its also setting a great example to my child. He knows when mommy puts on her tennies that she's going to workout! haha its pretty cute, he even comes over ever so often and "does" the workout with me! :) I love being able to set that "active" lifestyle example for him.

I will leave you with my transformation photo. It is a collage of Day1, Day 30, and Day 60! My only regret is that I wish I would have incorporated eating cleaner and weight lifting right from Day1 instead of waiting til day 30! Oh well...better late than never! :)