Sacrifice: The sense of something given up for the sake of another
- - Dictionary.com
I've really debated whether or not I want to blog about this next subject. I, in no way, want to turn this blog into a place where I talk about negative things all the time...thats just not me.
However, the more I think about this particular subject, the more irritated, hurt, annoyed, and sad I become. I cannot stress enough the fact I am not writing this to make you feel sorry for me, or to make myself sound like a debby downer. I think it is healthy to talk about your feelings. This is just a subject that has been weighing heavily on my heart.
Plain and simple...I am tired of being a working mom. I'm tired of having someone else watch my child for 10 hours Tuesday-Friday (that in no way means I don't LIKE who watches my child because I am very grateful for the childcare I have-family-doesn't get better than that). I am just tired of not being with my child throughout the week.
When I first went back to work after having 3 months of maternity leave, it was extremely hard. Then as time progressed, I had the attitude of "well, this is what has to be done, so I might as well make the best of it." I went about my day, tried to keep myself busy and looked forward to the evenings and weekends.
Well here I am after 9 months of working and I'm tired of having that attitude. To be completely honest, I'm tired of convincing myself that its okay...lots of moms work full time-I can totally do this! Can I totally do this-yes...do I want to-NO. Here is where I find my mind wandering lately: Why can't I be a stay at home mom? Why can't I take my child to the park in the middle of the week instead of waiting until the weekend? Why can't I meet up with other moms for lunch/play dates? And you know what word comes to mind EVERY time I have this stupid conversation with myself? Sacrifice
As a mother, it is impossible to not look at your own mother as an example of motherhood. I have been blessed with an amazing mother who is not only my best friend, but an amazing example to me of motherhood. As I reflect back on my childhood, there is not one event that I can remember her not being involved in. She home schooled me until 8th grade-obviously during that time she did not work. She sacrificed her time to teach me. Also, because she did not work, I'm sure my parents had to sacrifice a lot due to lack of income on her part. What a huge sacrifice! During those years of course I did not realize or really think about that but now looking back...wow-thank you mom for sacrificing things so that you could teach me at home. When I went to school my freshman year she worked at the school and eventually worked at the church. We rode to school/work every day and then if I had practice or school activities she was there or picked me up afterwards. She was at every game I played in, every award ceremony, and every big event. She sacrificed once again. She went to work so that I could have a high school education, have money for sports, buy prom dresses, and be an expensive teenager! =) So once again mom, thank you for sacrificing your time, energy, and wallet for me.
With all that said, no matter if I am a full time working mother, or a stay at home mother...I've realized sacrifice is inevitable. Yes, I work full time-but I sacrifice so that my child can grow up in a nice home. I sacrifice so that I can afford to buy diapers, food, clothing, toys, and healthcare. When I look at it that way, it makes it easier to swallow.
I pray every morning, as I drive to work after dropping my child off, that someday God would allow me to experience the sacrifice of a stay at home mother. However, until that day comes, I will continue to sacrifice my time, energy, and wallet for my child.